ludwig van beethoven, 1770-1827

Beethoven had a busy mind, and carried notebooks everywhere to keep track of his thoughts. They are a hodgepodge of shopping lists, complaints, musical ideas, and (bad) arithmetic. When his hearing problems worsened, he used them as "conversation books" to communicate.

From his diaries:

"My doctor says to only have wine at night, but this is boring to me."

"Ne

When tinnitus started turning into hearing loss after his first symphony premiered, Ludwig took a doctor's advice to seek quiet in nature, which became a lifelong practice. He took walks anytime he needed to write music or just have time alone.

From his notebooks, interrupting his own thoughts on family issues: "I NEED CONIFERS!" 

He was 28 years old when he realized his hearing would not get better, and had spent his whole life training to be a soloist. His parents were gone, and he had two younger brothers for whom he felt responsible.

It was around this time that he wrote a letter to them, announcing plans to end his life.  

No one knows what changed his mind, but he never sent the letter. He kept it with him the rest of his life, even writing on the back, "I must continue, with or without joy, for the sake of my art."

He premiered his second symphony at Theater an der Wein in Vienna months later and began work on No. 3, which would go down in history and set him apart from his peers.

He found ways to cope, bone conduction being one of them, but by the time of his final symphony (No. 9), he was completely deaf.

His decision to keep going inspired me to write this novel. It's such a powerful message to us all, that even a legend like Beethoven questioned his path and almost gave up.

What if he had?

While he failed to charm the ladies ("Women say I am ugly and half-crazy!"), Beethoven did have a full life of passion for his work and shared humor with friends. 

Countess Anna-Marie, pictured here, was one of my favorites because in some ways she was like a female version of him. He was prone to breaking friendships over small misunderstandings, but she was one who stuck by him in spite of it. 

His biggest fights were with family, particularly his youngest brother Johann, whose name he crossed out in his suicide note. 

He liked crossing things out when he was in a bad mood.

There is more to his story, including another crisis between Symphonies 4 and 5, a drunken mistake that became one of his most famous pieces ever, and that time he ordered a mirror to see his own face for the first time. It did not go well.

I loved getting to know him through his writings, and I hope you do too.